Armed with the finest splat cannons money can buy, we went Jackson Pollock on a Long Island paintball course.
Written by JoBu, with Chris Phoenix and Jules McCann
Gunplay’s nothing new to you. Heck, back when you played shoot-’em-up as a youth, you’d take to the schoolyards, fields, and construction sites armed with that pump-action pop rifle, cap gun, or even Super Soaker. Infused with the zeal of adolescence, you couldn’t have been expected to know then what an absolute pussy you were. But now you have no excuse.
Because, while you were pointing your finger at your friends and yelling, “Bang!” like a Gulf War vet with Tourrette’s, you should have been unloading 20 rounds per second of skin-blistering, multi-colored blammunition into your Kleenex-skinned play friends.
In an attempt to help you redeem an otherwise pacific childhood, we have assembled the toppest of the line in recreational armament: the Angel LCD, the E-Mag, the SFL Autococker, the 2000 Autococker STO, the PMI Piranha STS, and the Tippman Model 98. Had the Iraqis access to such weltsome weaponry, we might all be breathing oil now.
We took these implements of impotence (head straight to the video for spectacular groin shots) out to Paintball Long Island for a day of play, and gave ’em hell. Dozens of polka-dot welt patterns, a duel at ten paces, and 10,000 spent paint balls later, we had the information we sought. Submitted for your approval, our six favorites…
